The Birth of Audacity

I pull the Death card and I know it's over. 

Last summer I left for an adventure to New York City. I was eager to go on dates and live the single girl life. Dates that probably wouldn't mean anything at all but a fun night of good food and flirting. It was like I heard it would be. I wasn't expecting to meet anyone and he appeared like magic. I remember feeling like none of it was real. There was a man on an island in Canada writing songs and writing to me through social media and emails. We quoted Whitman, talked about love and music. When I think of him now, I remember how blue the sky was that day and it seems everyday that summer. 

Most people think I'm a delusional idealist because I have a "list" of qualities and characteristics I want in a partner. In dream magic, they say be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. I'm not exaggerating when I say this person checked every mark on my list. I didn't know what to do with that so I walked carefully. I made up my mind early on that this was too good to be true so I'd be happy with whatever happened. Whatever would be would be and that's what was. Everything was up in the air. I daydreamed about us, I had a lot of what-ifs but at the end of the day that's all they were. Every time I tried to end whatever it was we did have, I always came back to my daydreams and what-ifs. I couldn't let go. I'd say, well this isn't hurting anything, I can still hold on to this and be open to love if it came from somewhere else. But I never went on dates and I never met anyone who came close. 

When the Death card showed up I knew what I had to do. The obvious answer was to end it once and for all. But I tried that so many times before and it had never worked. So I tried harder. I deleted him from my life as much as I possibly could and then I cried. This is where the real death came in. The death of my ego. I finally admitted to myself completely that I wanted to be with him and that was fucking scary. Now, there's something truly at stake and like my poetry mentor says, "there has to be something at stake in the poem." Crystal-reflections.com says death is a "life-giving transformation." I am truly living when I honor my longing. When I pray with audacity and certainty in my asking. I release both him and and my ego. But I pray to G-d that someday very soon, we will start a new journey together. 

It feels so good to begin praying shamelessly. No more, "Whatever will be will be," G-d please hear me when I say, this is what I need.