I have never been this strong: Judgement, Queen of Wands (R), Nine of Wands

Judgement:

I pulled Judgement again for the second time this month. I love seeing a card again because I'm reminded that I'm learning and remembering. The first time I pulled Judgement I related it to my decision to choose to pursue tarot. I decided I am no longer going to say I'm "going" to be an intuitive card reader but that I am an intuitive card reader "now." I do readings for myself daily and have done readings for three friends. And not only am I an intuitive card reader "now" but also recognizing that this practice of using my abilities of intuition and understanding to my advantage and to help others in some form or another has always been my calling. I believe this card came to me again to remind me about what it means to make a decision. A true decision. In the past, making decisions hasn't been a strength of mine. The saying that goes "not making a decision is still making a decision" was often the case for me; in relationships and education. Even in finally settling into a major I loved, I never did so confidently. I didn't feel the support from others and I wasn't strong enough to find it in myself. So I loved nearly everyday of it; studying poems, writing, reading stories and all at the same time it never felt real because I never claimed it. If you're reading this and you have chosen to study tarot you've probably noticed that people are going to laugh at you. But let them stop and notice that you're not laughing with them, but smiling confidently in your decision. I vow not to internalize that laugh until it becomes me, laughing at myself. I love my decision.

Queen of Wands (R):

My gut reaction upon pulling this card was, "this woman is about serious business." I'm so attached to the Queen of Pentacles that this queen just didn't hit the spot. Even with her pleasant expression she felt cold to me. Why isn't her cat sitting on her lap? Is she afraid to get fur on her yellow robe? And the sunflower is a nice touch but why is she holding it like a pencil? Sunflower stems are pretty pokey so that could be it. I could tell that this queen has certainly earned her place on the throne through hard work. Here's what the reversed story told me: This is not me. I want my cat on my lap and I want my nose in a sunflower in a field of sunflowers. I want to sit in an abundant garden not on a square of stone in the desert. Queen of Wands, you are beautiful and lovely but you are not me. So my initial gut reaction was that this card was reversed to remind me to stop worrying about being the Queen of Wands. And then after research, decided that I don't have to be the Queen of Wands but there is much to learn from her if I'm listening. This woman knows how to take charge, be independent, determined and assertive. Even if my North Node is in Pisces and I'm an INFP and I want to live life like a chill turtle riding the East Australian Current, sometimes I need to look in the mirror and say I'm the QUEEN OF WANDS today and take care of business. This card reversed by some internet definitions, also asks me to notice if I've been being self-centered and weak. Which is a possibility because I am weary and finding that I need almost all of my energy to myself. Hmmmm...something to think about.

Nine of Wands:

This is the last card I pulled today. It's about hanging in there. I am hanging in there. And instead of explaining it I'll post a personal letter I wrote myself. Note to self: Love letters to yourself are SO healing.

Dearest, beautiful soul, Kristina,

I want you to know how absolutely amazing you are. Waking up on this lovely morning to go to work-- I know your feet are swollen and almost all of your toes feel sprained and your left knee aches from banging it on the cooler. You are one tough cookie, you know that? I know you're weary weary, sweet wandering angel but you chose this journey, remember? Because you wanted to experience the most exhilarating feeling of gratitude once you made it home. You wanted to cry those happy tears when you lay in your beautiful, comfy bed for the first time. Not everyone chooses this method, but you did. You, lover of risks and magical build ups. You, lover of a good story. This is good. I want you to know that it's okay that you've slipped briefly to the darkness. Because this moment is about remembering to forgive yourself and enter back into the light. Because this will happen again and you'll be better prepared. So you know, you don't have to fear fear. :) Funny, huh? You've been ignoring your fear but I want to remind you to embrace it--keep it in your conscience so that it doesn't rule you. You know you have every reason to be afraid. You may be part angel, part witch, part alien but you're also part human and you love being human. I love you so much. :) What a journey you're on! How fun! You make the best fuckin' choices. Because you're so amazing, and you've been so strong and because I love you immensely, I grant you the vision to see your bundle of light bigger than the sun! Can you see it!? Holy cow! It's bouncing off of everything! Go fourth and shine! (8.24.13)