The Star: New York and I Reborn
Personal: I'm moving to New York next week. Since deciding to move and taking steps to make it happen, I've always had a good feeling about it. Still, I wanted to acknowledge that a good part of me is scared. It's a big change. I have some family there and a friend I will be staying with until I get on my feet but I will be alone. Alone in the sense that I've had a partner in some form for the last 7 years of my life and before that I was dependent on my parents. My fears are all physical.
I'm afraid of riding the train by myself and of walking home alone. I feel strong emotionally but I'm afraid of being hurt physically. I was born and lived in New York until the age of 7 and I remember violence. I remember my Aunt being hit on by men and talked down to in nasty ways when she ignored them. I thought of how tough she was when she'd suck her teeth, roll her eyes and keep walking. But how would I handle it when I grew up? I first experienced domestic violence while living in New York. My life was threatened by a homeless man on a train in New York and I was "saved" by $20 given to him by my dad. I was scared often in New York. There were a lot of Rottweiler's in New York. The escalators were too tall in New York. I thought everyone had a gun in New York. I went to my first funeral in New York. It was for a baby girl name Queen, who's foster parents had pushed her down concrete stairs.
So, when I asked the cards, "How will this move be?" I thought I was asking generally. But I already know everything will work out, that I'll find work and be supported by the Universe emotionally and financially. But physically. How will this move be for me physically? Is this the right decision? This is the question I was really asking and this is the card I drew:
I love you so much, Walt.
I'm afraid of riding the train by myself and of walking home alone. I feel strong emotionally but I'm afraid of being hurt physically. I was born and lived in New York until the age of 7 and I remember violence. I remember my Aunt being hit on by men and talked down to in nasty ways when she ignored them. I thought of how tough she was when she'd suck her teeth, roll her eyes and keep walking. But how would I handle it when I grew up? I first experienced domestic violence while living in New York. My life was threatened by a homeless man on a train in New York and I was "saved" by $20 given to him by my dad. I was scared often in New York. There were a lot of Rottweiler's in New York. The escalators were too tall in New York. I thought everyone had a gun in New York. I went to my first funeral in New York. It was for a baby girl name Queen, who's foster parents had pushed her down concrete stairs.
So, when I asked the cards, "How will this move be?" I thought I was asking generally. But I already know everything will work out, that I'll find work and be supported by the Universe emotionally and financially. But physically. How will this move be for me physically? Is this the right decision? This is the question I was really asking and this is the card I drew:
The Star
What I see: A naked woman pouring water onto the ground into a lake. The sky is blue. There is one big yellow star in the center and seven white stars surrounding it. There's a mountain in the distance and one tree with one disproportionately large bird on it. There's grass and flowers growing in it. The woman looks as if she's smiling gently. Her stomach is slightly protruding. She has one foot on water and one on earth.
How I feel: When I first look at this card, it is clear to me that it is positive so I feel relieved. I'm delving deeply into my imagination and intuition with this one because it was only recently that I realized what my question was truly asking. Nothing I say after this was supported by research. The woman is me and I am naked in a new world of my own creation. The nakedness symbolizes rebirth as a baby being born into the world but I am an adult, I have the body of a woman. As I water this new place, I water my intuition and my new, earthly reality. I love stars. These eight stars are watching over me. They are my Angels. I don't have to be afraid because I am protected by my Angels and the Universe.
Meaning: This card follows the tower card, another card I got in my reading with Caitlin. She told me the tower card meant my world as I knew it was falling apart. That was true (end of a 3+ years relationship) but now I see how it is even more true as I begin this new chapter of my life alone. I don't get to hide behind my dad's pant leg or cuddle up to my boyfriend on the train. The great thing about the star card following the tower card is that it represents the peace after the falling. It means starting over in a better place, with better outcomes and leaving negativity behind. I read that any change that happens after the tower card will be positive and there will be endless possibilities. Now is a time be optimistic and be grateful that my vision is clearer than it's ever been. In Song of the Open Road, Walt Whitman says, "These are the days that must happen to us." And so the days before. Once again I am reminded that this is where I'm meant to be, right here. Right now. I listen to my heart and it tells me I am safe.
AFOOT and light-hearted, I take to the open road, | |
| Healthy, free, the world before me, | |
| The long brown path before me, leading wherever I choose. | |
| Henceforth I ask not good-fortune—I myself am good fortune; | |
| Henceforth I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing, | 5 |
| Strong and content, I travel the open road. | |
| The earth—that is sufficient; | |
| I do not want the constellations any nearer; | |
| I know they are very well where they are; | |
| I know they suffice for those who belong to them. | 10 |
| (Still here I carry my old delicious burdens; | |
| I carry them, men and women—I carry them with me wherever I go; | |
| I swear it is impossible for me to get rid of them; | |
| I am fill’d with them, and I will fill them in return.) |
Song of the Open Road, Walt Whitman
I love you so much, Walt.
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